This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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