What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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