I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
