Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
