also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
