Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
