He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
