You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
