i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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