she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
