just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
