I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
it was like having sex with a tree stump
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
