life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
