you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
