just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
