I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
