I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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