Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
