I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
