Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
