Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
wow bdsm is so cute
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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