Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I deserve this hangover.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
