smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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