I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
