The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
