I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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