Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
