Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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