I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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