I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
