Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
