LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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