Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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