you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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