im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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