And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
