P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She needs sedatives and a leash
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
