gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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