dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
