here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
