i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
