Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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