...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
