I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
