Umm I'm too high to move.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
