I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
