Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I have demons in me.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Randomize
