So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
