im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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