he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
