Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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