I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
