I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
