my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
