Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
