4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
