So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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