she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
