No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
